Back to work :(

I had to start back to work last week. I will have to say that it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I spent the week leading up to it crying my eyes out every day. My heart hurt so bad every time I thought about it. These were some of the thoughts going through my mind:

-I have this beautiful baby boy that I have spent every waking moment (no pun intended) with for the past 4 months. Now I'm just supposed to hand him over to someone else to take care of- now, when he's changing every day and really starting to notice I'm even around.

-Kids grow up SO fast (I know from experience with Madison starting middle school!!!) and he is only going to be this little once. I should be there to see all of his accomplishments.

-Mommies should be with their babies. It is just the natural course of life. Mommies take care of their babies, period.

-I'm going to have to take all of my personal items out of his diaper bag and use my own purse for the first time since he had been born. (Somehow that felt symbolic and depressing).

All of these thoughts and emotions were swimming around him my heart and head. It was the first time in my life I think I have felt true anxiety. I felt like I couldn't breath sometimes just thinking about it.

With all that said, I made it through the first day after many, many tears. And each day after has been easier and easier. Sometimes it makes me sad that it isn't as hard as it was that first day. Somehow it feels wrong to not be devastated every day that I have to leave him.

On the positive side: I have an amazing woman that keeps Anderson. She seems to love him very much, which helps tremendously. It is much easier to leave your baby with someone that you know will love on them. She sends me emails during the day and sometimes even sends pictures of my little man!! I also have the best schedule of any working mother. You just can't beat working in the school system. I am able to leave at 2:45 on most days (I am definitely more motivated to get my work done so I don't have to stay late) and we have at least a week break about every six weeks plus summers off. So I guess if I must work this is the job to have.